As I sat in the Tzfat forest early in the morning, I asked myself, “Why? Why do I want a baby so badly? What is the force that is running me, bringing me to constant consultations with medical experts as well as rabbis knowledgeable in the intricate workings of halachah, as I proceed with my fertility treatments and endless blood tests?”

I sat silently and waited for my soul to speak. It showed me an image of me holding my baby in my arms.

“What will that moment give me?” I inquired.

“You will feel held. You will feel that G‑d is holding you,” was the response.

I realized I was chasing after something that could be found only in the now. I took a deep breath of bravery and gave myself permission to acknowledge that support and comfort in that moment. I allowed myself to feel held by G‑d. It was a foreign feeling—something I had never allowed myself to experience so deeply. I had to sit in it for a long time until the waves of resistance settled.

This experience helped me understand a teaching from my Rebbe—Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, of righteous memory. The Rebbe taught me that the same power and joy that is within a mitzvah also permeates every single act of preparation for that mitzvah. In the Holy Temple in Jerusalem, the intention of the Kohen while preparing a sacrifice was crucial to the actual sacrifice.

No act of preparation is separated from the final moment of bringing that offering to G‑d. Similarly, the way to bring redemption to our world is by revealing the inner reality of true goodness within everything. It is not through praying with bitter tears or hating exile so much. The way to bring Moshiach is by living it! By dancing with it! It is living in a reality of goodness where you consciously experience G‑d creating you anew at each moment. It is living from a place of freedom and inner peace, rather than an inner exile of worry, stress and anxiety.

The way to bring this world to a revealed place of true goodness is to authentically find the wholesomeness in yourself, in every person that you meet and in everything that enters your space. To breathe the air of Moshiach, and to live from our very essence and core.

It was time to leave the protection of the forest and climb the mountain for my morning appointment. As I walked, I allowed every cell of my being to experience the joy of holding my newborn baby. I allowed my body to feel “held by G‑d.”

A few weeks later, I was taking an injection in the mikvah spa room. I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked vulnerable and raw, tears rolled down my cheeks from exhaustion. The exhaustion of the cycle was being met with the new hope that the experience of mikvah always brings me. As I immersed myself in the warm waters, I whispered my monthly prayer, “Please G‑d let me hold our baby in my arms.”

Embraced by the soothing waters, I realized that I am G‑d’s baby and He wants me to feel held. “OK, G‑d, I will answer your prayer this month and let you hold me,” I thought. I could just relax and let the waters hold me. As I rose to the surface, a new me was born. A more open, creative me that lives with this Divine hug. As I got dressed to go home, I looked in the mirror and I saw the beauty and strength that the mikvah gave me on my tear-streaked cheeks.

A few weeks later, I stood outside the doctor’s office waiting for my turn with the top doctor of Sheba Chaim Medical Center specializing in post-cancer patients. My entire body was filled with adrenaline and doubt, and I felt my heart weighing heavily with past disappointments. A voice from within gently reminded me, “Your only job at this moment is to give yourself permission to feel held by G‑d.”

Instead of waiting for that moment of “success,” I chose to live from that place of presence and safety. Then as life goes on, of course, I will forget, get stressed out, hide under my blanket and get to rechoose it all over again. I am still waiting to hold my baby, but I have allowed myself to savor the feeling already now.

We all have areas in our life where we want to be successful. The real question is: Do I want to access that feeling of success now, or do I want to suffer until I get “there”?

In truth, the only way to enjoy being “there” is to enjoy being here. It is through feeling held by G‑d now that I will have the skill to fully feel that moment when I get to hold my child.

No matter what challenge you are facing, here is a quick and simple exercise to allow yourself to achieve success from “a place of success.”

Exercise

Identify what ultimate success means to you in one aspect of your life. Examples: in your relationships, health, cash flow, career, mental health, confidence, etc.
Picture yourself there in that moment in as much detail as possible.
Ask yourself: “What is it that I will finally feel when I get to that moment?”
Give yourself permission to feel that feeling right here in this moment. Allow that feeling to permeate you from head to toe. Say aloud, “I give myself permission to feel this right now.”
Visualize yourself doing the necessary steps to reach this ultimate success. Visualize yourself doing these steps permeated with that feeling.
Whenever you are doing steps towards this goal, first bring up that joyous feeling before beginning.
Thank your Creator and yourself for allowing you to have had this heart opening experience.

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